I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
