he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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