Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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