my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
