My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
