He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
