He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
