The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
