i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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