just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
