____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
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Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
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That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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