Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
