she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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