i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
