My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
