oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
