you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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