just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
