i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
