I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
