Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
