i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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