quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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