Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
