So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
