found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
