someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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