I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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