Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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