I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
