Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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