Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
