i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dear god my vagina.
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