whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
