my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
