Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
