I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
