if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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