I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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