I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
