they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
