the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
