I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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