Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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