haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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