So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
