Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
