look no pants
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
