I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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