get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
