did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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