Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
