I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
