Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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