Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
