I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
